It still hurts, I wake up and its the first thing on my mind. My insides feel sore and soggy, cold and runny. I want to know if I'm a fool for trusting him. I want to vomit out these doubts, because I know deep inside there is some trust left. Obviously- or we wouldn't still be together. Some friends still look at me, when he gives a peck on the cheek like I should grab his head and smash it against a wall and then disinfect my face. I do not seek revenge on him, I would never repeat the travesty to which he acted against me.
I'm surprised by myself. When something terrible happens, when something leaves me in a state of heartache or I feel awful about myself, I usually change my appearance: piercing, haircut, hair colour change. I do not want to do any of this. I want him to look into my eyes everyday and understand, to feel how I feel. Perhaps he feels this when the grip of my hand goes limp, when my body seems to hang on his for a hug.
What seems to hurt just as equally is when people have come to me for relationship advice. When they have doubts, they explain- I feel helpless, I don't want to help because I receive no easy solution myself.
When will I be fixed